How to let go of a child who is going to live far from home | Orientation | Magazine

In 2005, pediatricians Kenneth R. Ginsburg and Martha M. Jablow and the former dean of admissions at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology Marilee Jones agreed to publish the book Less Stress, More Success: A New Approach to Guiding Your Teen Through College, Admissions, and Beyond.

The authors begin by reminding us that, in nature, all animals grow up and leave the nest. They go through their play phase, practice into adulthood, and then become independent.

Among human beings, the difference is simply that children play longer and parents care more. When children are ready to leave home, whether to study, to take on a job that takes them away from the family home, or simply to pursue their dreams and vocations, parents may feel that it is too early.

Photo: The Universe

Or they may agree, but at the same time wish that the last time they spend at home is very special. It is the last chance for the family to be together. It must be a perfect time. That’s where the problems begin. While you think that the last few months before the children leave home should be idyllic, they seem to have more desire to be with friends, and come to think and say: “It’s good that I’m leaving soon.”

Teens don’t challenge parents because they don’t love them, say the authors, but because they need to break some of that connection, in which the parents have assumed full responsibility for them.

When parents are challenged in this way, it is completely understandable that they feel hurt or even angry. If they don’t understand what is happening, they can put more pressure to stay in control. This only breeds resentment and negative feelings. But if they recognize that your young son or daughter is fighting for their independence and they learn to celebrate it, everyone will feel better and less tense.

Whether they are justifiably or unfairly angry, young people can be masters at uttering hurtful words. Often times, it is a way of yelling “Listen to me!” Perhaps they are probing for attention before they can bring up something that is distressing them.

If parents respond in anger and refuse to listen, children may feel justified in not sharing their concerns: “Remember that I was going to tell you, but then you yelled at me.” When parents listen and reserve their opinion, their children’s stories are discovered little by little.

But they should tell you when your feelings are hurt, not in a way that makes you feel guilty, but simply as a clear expression of the fact that your behavior is inappropriate and hurtful. This is an important part of a father’s job to build character.

Maintain contact in moderation

Even when children question the connection of parents, you must be congruent in the main: your love is unconditional and you will always be supporting your children. With this clear message, parents say: “Keep going … grow. You have my support ”.

Until they stabilize, children leaving the home will likely be quite ambivalent about contact with parents. They will keep in touch and let you know how they are doing, although this may not be enough for the parents’ liking.

Young people living away from home for the first time usually want to keep a fair distance to remind themselves that they are independent. But some go to the other extreme. It is not unusual to see students checking in with their parents several times a day. You use moderation. Don’t hang up the phone on them, but don’t let cell phones become umbilical cords. Let them know that you are excited to hear from them, and certainly always leave communications open, but try to limit your calls to one a day or less.

The lie of perfection

This is an ideal time to help teens learn to manage stress. What greater pressure for a young person than to know that his future academic or professional life ‘depends’ on a university entrance exam or a job interview. Well, the authors advise identifying who is the most stressed by the results, your child or you. This could be the time to strengthen the parent-child relationship, and create the platform for them to face the next challenges.

Parents and young people do not always have the same idea of ​​what success is. For young people, this begins with gaining independence. THE MAGAZINE, LINK. Photo: The Universe

What can parents do? In his section, Ginsburg focuses on the following points: stop looking for perfection in everything, take the time to look at your children, By putting your full awareness on it, do not become another stress factor for the children, rather teach them to handle it, help them to be resilient and competent (not competitors, but capable of assuming responsibilities according to their age), value the Free time from them and with them, be willing to change your mind, build the confidence of children and young people, connect with them at all levels, cultivate their characters, and challenge them to be involved contributors to their environment.

The authors of Less stress, more success They also mention the “big lies” that parents should not project onto the next generation. The first big lie – that successful adults are good at everything – it applies here in a discussion of perfectionism. When was the last time any of us were good at everything?

We probably got a gold star in second grade for our spelling work; or we were told that we were great artists when we made drawings; in the playing area, everyone was an athlete and was given the opportunity to kick. Since those days of happy times How many adults can say “I’m good at everything”?

Most of us do quite well at one or two things and are less talented at many more. Successful people usually excel in one or two areas. Interesting people excel in a couple of areas, but they also enjoy being exposed to various areas, even if they may not be stars at all.

So why do we push the big lie to teens that they should be good at math, science, foreign languages, language arts, history, the arts, and athletics? Doesn’t this unrealistic expectation foster motivation toward perfectionism tied to a hard landing? (F)

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How to let go of a child who is going to live far from home | Orientation | Magazine